Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose? They couldn't close his casket.
A hole was found in the wall of a nudist camp. The police are looking into it.
I love my life, but it just wants to be friends...
Me: Real women don't care about romantic cliches. My internal voice: Please buy me flowers, please buy me flowers, please buy me flowers.
I'm never wrong! One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken!
By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.
I saw a guy on his motorcycle and the back of his shirt said "If you can read this the b*tch fell off."
Join The Army, visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
ISIS is taking back territory after a surprise turn of events. Their new partnership with Samsung is quickly paying off
However lonely you feel, you're never alone. There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house. Goodnight.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some don't have film.
Never marry a woman who was captain of the debate team.
I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.
I typed "married" but it was auto-corrected to "martyred". Damn,smartphone has gained intelligence.
Fridges should have glass doors.That way i dont have to stand with the fridge door open trying to figure out my next move.
Republicans & Democrats are like divorced parents who care more about getting the kids to hate the other one than they are their well-being.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
Five days of the week, my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park!