I put the "fun" in dysfunctional.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
What a lovely surprise to finally discover how unlonely being alone can be.
If a stranger offers you a piece of candy...take two.
What's the difference between a woman having her period and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist
"Raccoons"? Oh, you mean garbage pandas?
Remember: What dad really wants is a nap. Really.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Deja Vu When you think you're doing something you've done before, it's because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
I've just written a song about tortillas - actually, it's more of a rap.
Men don't realize that if we're sleeping with them on the first date, we're probably not interested in seeing them again either.
If every day is a gift, I'd like a receipt for Monday. I want to exchange it for another Friday.
Why did the blonde stare at a frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said "concentrate"!
Oh, what? Sorry. I was trying to imagine you with a personality.
Programming is like sex; one mistake and you have to support for a lifetime.
Before the wedding I have loved all the women on earth, after the wedding one woman less.
Why do men become smarter during sex? Because they are plugged into a genius.
Life's a bitch, 'cause if it was a slut, it'd be easy.
What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.