Every time someone calls me fat I get so depress I cut myself... a piece of cake.
Last time I got caught stealing a calendar I got 12 months.
I grew a beard thinking it would say "Distinguished Gentleman." Instead, turns out it says, "Senior Discount, Please!"
I need a new bank account. This one has run out of money.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
Did Noah include termites on the ark?
This isn't working out. I think we should start making other people miserable.
Republicans & Democrats are like divorced parents who care more about getting the kids to hate the other one than they are their well-being.
What's a man's idea of foreplay? A half hour of begging.
Forget hydrogen, you're my number one element.
One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A: a rip off
What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
Coffee, Chocolate, Men. Some things are just better rich.
If you are here - who is running hell?
Only dead fish go with the flow.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.