To weigh 50 kilos and say that you're fat, that is so female...
Don't feed the animals at the zoo! You should better feed the security guard!
The panic begins with the first one to say Calm down!'
Dyslexic, you say? How do you spell that?
The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Tequila is a good drink: you drink it and you feel like a cactus; the only problem is that in the morning the thorns grow inward.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
What did one autumn leaf say to another? I'm falling for you.
Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
I tried to hang myself with a bungee chord. I kept almost dying
I use artificial sweetener at work. I add it to everything I say to my boss.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
Unfortunately, but sometimes a woman can't find herself a man. She doesn't like the drunken ones, and the sober ones doesn't like her.
Why name hurricanes lame names, like Sandy? Name that shit Hurricane Death Megatron 300 and I guarantee niggas be evacuating like they need to.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
How can you tell when the Mexicans have moved into your neighborhood? The Blacks get car insurance.