Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
I'm never wrong! One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken!
By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.
Why do men like masturbation? It's sex with someone they love.
I have the body of a 25 year old supermodel, but it takes up too much space in my freezer.
The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
Five days of the week, my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park!
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
I love my life, but it just wants to be friends...
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
ISIS is taking back territory after a surprise turn of events. Their new partnership with Samsung is quickly paying off
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
However lonely you feel, you're never alone. There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house. Goodnight.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some don't have film.
Never marry a woman who was captain of the debate team.
I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.
I typed "married" but it was auto-corrected to "martyred". Damn,smartphone has gained intelligence.
Anyone who says "good morning" on a Monday is a sociopath.
A hole was found in the wall of a nudist camp. The police are looking into it.