When men say "I'm fine" they actually mean it. Weirdos.
It's not how good your work is, it's how well you explain it.
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
Ever since I took geometry at school, my life has turned around 360 degrees.
Why are birthday's good for you? Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest!
Love is blind, only marriage opens your eyes.
You still use Internet Explorer? You must like it nice and slow.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.
What did the light bulb say to the switch? "You turn me on."
Let's emotionally damage each other and call it Love.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Tequila is a good drink: you drink it and you feel like a cactus; the only problem is that in the morning the thorns grow inward.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
What did one autumn leaf say to another? I'm falling for you.
Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
I tried to hang myself with a bungee chord. I kept almost dying
I use artificial sweetener at work. I add it to everything I say to my boss.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.