It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
Did your parents keep the placenta and throw away the baby?
Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
Talk is cheap. Until you hire a lawyer.
Don't steal. That's the government's job.
I love my FedEx guy cause he's a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it and he's always on time.
Aww, it's so cute when you try to talk about things you don't understand.
Inflation: Being broke with a lot of money in your pocket.
How long have I been working for this company? Ever since they threatened to fire me.
I wish conversations were like user agreements where I could skip to the end and just agree.
In accordance to the Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle of Quantum Mechanics, we may already be in love right now.
Marriage is like coffee. First it's really hot. Then it's just right. Then it helps you to get off your ass and do things.
Your smile must be a black hole, nothing can escape its pull.
I'd like to think inside your box.
My mind wants to dance but my body is a really awkward white guy.
Few women admit their age; few men act it.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
Honesty is the best policy but insanity is the best defense.
Join The Army, visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.
Me: Real women don't care about romantic cliches. My internal voice: Please buy me flowers, please buy me flowers, please buy me flowers.