You're about as much use as parallel lines of a railway track. The only difference is the railway tracks take people places and with the way you are, it's no wonder you always end up going nowhere in life.
You are so dimwitted even the blackhole night sky looks brighter than you.
When I said "I was afraid of the dentist", I meant the bill.
What's the difference between a $20 steak and a $55 steak? February 14th.
The only thing I have to offer men is that I don't ask questions during a movie.
Accidentally called 911. Set my house on fire to not look stupid.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
When my friends are sad, i send them a long ass paragraph, but when I'm sad, they only say "Oh sorry" or "Well that sucks".
Why was six scared of seven? Because seven "ate" nine.
You can't be a real country unless you have a BEER and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a BEER.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I kinda liked it.
Ask me about my vow of silence.
Babe, your cuter than a puppy at an animal shelter, Cuz i want to take you home!
Wanna dance? I can really put your inertia in motion.
Are you a keyboard? Because you're my type!
Q: What do you call a cow with a twitch? A: "Beef Jerky!"
Concerning the absence of toilet paper, there should be complaint books laid out at publicly used places.
Take an icecube to the bar, smash it and say: "Now that I've broken the ice, will you sleep with me?"
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?