If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.
Love is like a machine... sometimes you need a good screw to fix it.
It's okay Microsoft Excel even my love life is not responding.
You don't like her? Drink more.
Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you're CuTe
Your momma is so mean... she has no standard deviation.
You take away the looks, money, intelligence, charm and success and, really, there's no real difference between me and George Clooney.
Do you sell hot dogs? Because you know how to make a wiener stand.
The best things in the world are free - and worth every penny of it.
Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.
I think the only time my ex didn't fake an orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.
The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.
What do ghosts serve for dessert? I Scream.
The person who invented the door knock won the No-bell prize.
He's as sharp as a bowling ball.
My idea of flirting is giving a girl 1 of my 10 tacos.
Somedays I feel like running away. Then I remember how much I hate running.
Dream carefully, because dreams come true.
I know my limits: if I fell down it means enough.