Are you a sheep cause your body is unbaaaaalievable
Tomorrow: The best labor saving device of today.
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves!
*wife walks in to see the boys have built a chair fort* Wife: PUT THOSE CHAIRS BACK! Me *climbing out of fort* YOU HEARD YOUR MOTHER!
Why does a blond wear a tight skirt? To keep here legs closed.
Save your breath... You'll need it to blow up your date.
I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission!
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he's adopted?
Did you hear about the gay security guard who got fired from his job at the sperm bank? He got caught drinking on the job.
Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening.
I sleep better naked...why can't the flight attendant understand this?
At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
Only in America ... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Do one thing that scares you every day. Maybe do four things. Live in constant fear.
Your forehead is so big you donated it to charity for shelter!
How are you related to the sun? Because your teeth are the same colour as it.
You so ugly on Halloween someone said scary costume.