Credit cards are VERY dangerous. Every time I try to use one somebody starts chasing me with scissors.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long.
I'm the flower, you're the bee. Why don't you suck the sweet pollen right out of me?
The speed of light is when you take out a bottle of beer out of the fridge before the light comes on.
Did something bad happen to you or are you just naturally ugly.
If you are not part of the solution, you're probably running for President
Where do you find a birthday present for a cat? In a cat-alogue!
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
What did the paper clip say to the magnet? I find you very attractive.
Why do female skydivers wear jock straps? So they don't whistle on the way down.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
If God made anything better than pussy he kept it for himself.
I know how to feed a nation...but will she eat it?
How can you tell if a man is sexually excited? He's breathing.
Just asked my wife what she's "burning up for dinner" and it turned out to be all of my personal belongings.
Wanna get together and test the spring potential of my mattress?
When I look into your eyes, I see straight through to the back of your head.
Are you the square root of -1? Because you can't be real.