Don't be nervous if someone is driving ahead of you- the world is round, just think that you're driving first!
All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.
Why do men like love at first sight? It saves them a lot of time.
White smoke from under my hood means either my starter went out or my car has elected a new Pope.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Everything happens for a reason; unfortunately, sometimes the reason is you.
Dear Week, I'm so over you. I'm leaving you for your best friend, Weekend. Don't try to find us for at least 2 days.
No, those pants don't make you look fatter. I mean, how could they?
Your cock is so small you could use it to floss teeth.
A successful man is one who makes more money that his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Introducing myself to new boyfriends parents: "Hi, I usually don't make it this far."
The human soul weighs 1.2lbs. I know because I've weighed myself before and after I walk into my job.
Stop with the blind jokes ... I don t see the point.
Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes? Toes go in first!
Secret to success is to know who to blame for your failures.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
My calling in life went straight to voicemail.
70% of our planet is covered in water, the other 30% is covered in idiots.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
Avoid arguments about the toilet seat...use the sink...