When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?
When men say "I'm fine" they actually mean it. Weirdos.
It's not how good your work is, it's how well you explain it.
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
Ever since I took geometry at school, my life has turned around 360 degrees.
Why are birthday's good for you? Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest!
Love is blind, only marriage opens your eyes.
Your secrets are safe with me because I literally won't remember them. This also applies to your birthday. Your birthdays are safe with me.
Actually, I don't think you're dyslexic; just really, really stupid.
According to the principle of the sandwich, if you put butter on both sides the sandwich will hang in the air.
I'd tell a joke about claustrophobic people, but it might be to tight for you.
There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it's hot.
They call it "pms" because "mad cow disease" was already taken.
Introverts have fun too, we just don't care if you know...
What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear? Data transfer.
I'm not a Facebook status, you don't have to like me.