When men say "I'm fine" they actually mean it. Weirdos.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Everything happens for a reason; unfortunately, sometimes the reason is you.
Dear Week, I'm so over you. I'm leaving you for your best friend, Weekend. Don't try to find us for at least 2 days.
No, those pants don't make you look fatter. I mean, how could they?
Your cock is so small you could use it to floss teeth.
A successful man is one who makes more money that his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Introducing myself to new boyfriends parents: "Hi, I usually don't make it this far."
The human soul weighs 1.2lbs. I know because I've weighed myself before and after I walk into my job.
Stop with the blind jokes ... I don t see the point.
Darling, what are you thinking about right now? If I would want you to know, I would say it not think about it.
Ladies and gentlemen, if there's anybody here this afternoon who's feeling nervous, apprehensive and queasy at the thought of what lies ahead, it's probably because you have just got married to (NAME).
I'm pretty sure I'm going to die without knowing what 95% of a scientific calculator is used for.
The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails= 4 given.
My love is like communism; everyone gets a share, and it's only good in theory.
He's street smart. Sesame Street smart.
Why did God create the orgasm? So women can moan even when they're happy.
War does not determine who is right only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.