I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
The advantage of using a nailcutter is, you won't get scratchmark on your forehead skin and the disadvantage is, you can't peel off garlic skin.
My girl always tells me "Life is about the little things", but I just hate when she talks about her Ex.
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
Its girls like u that cause global warming!
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.
Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
Some people think that their life experience compensates for their lack of brain.
"What else can we think about?"- Insomnia
Why do Retirees smile all the time? Because they can't hear a word you're saying!
Everything always ends well. If not it's probably not the end.
What does a skeleton orders at a restaurant? Spare ribs.
Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says: "Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?"
Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day? Sure, they're very scent-imental!
You still use Internet Explorer? You must like it nice and slow.
Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? You can park in the handicap zone.