*wife walks in to see the boys have built a chair fort* Wife: PUT THOSE CHAIRS BACK! Me *climbing out of fort* YOU HEARD YOUR MOTHER!
I wish conversations were like user agreements where I could skip to the end and just agree.
In accordance to the Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle of Quantum Mechanics, we may already be in love right now.
Marriage is like coffee. First it's really hot. Then it's just right. Then it helps you to get off your ass and do things.
Your smile must be a black hole, nothing can escape its pull.
I'd like to think inside your box.
My mind wants to dance but my body is a really awkward white guy.
Few women admit their age; few men act it.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
Honesty is the best policy but insanity is the best defense.
White smoke from under my hood means either my starter went out or my car has elected a new Pope.
I'd tell a joke about claustrophobic people, but it might be to tight for you.
There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it's hot.
They call it "pms" because "mad cow disease" was already taken.
Introverts have fun too, we just don't care if you know...
What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear? Data transfer.
I'm not a Facebook status, you don't have to like me.
Don't be nervous if someone is driving ahead of you- the world is round, just think that you're driving first!
All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.
Your secrets are safe with me because I literally won't remember them. This also applies to your birthday. Your birthdays are safe with me.