The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right."
Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
Why kill time when you can make it work for you?
What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common? They were originally intended for children but it's the men who play with them the most.
Every function without you will always be void of love.
A friend is like a book: you don't need to read all of them, just pick the best ones.
Why does the Law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service!
Secret to success is to know who to blame for your failures.
Inflation: Being broke with a lot of money in your pocket.
*wife walks in to see the boys have built a chair fort* Wife: PUT THOSE CHAIRS BACK! Me *climbing out of fort* YOU HEARD YOUR MOTHER!
Take an icecube to the bar, smash it and say: "Now that I've broken the ice, will you sleep with me?"
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
Did your parents keep the placenta and throw away the baby?
Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
Talk is cheap. Until you hire a lawyer.
Don't steal. That's the government's job.
I love my FedEx guy cause he's a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it and he's always on time.
Aww, it's so cute when you try to talk about things you don't understand.
Stop with the blind jokes ... I don t see the point.