Life is sexually transmitted.
I love the F5 key. It s just so refreshing.
The most dangerous room in the house really depends on where your wife is at the moment.
Because of the disregard towards safety techniques people not only die but are also born.
He's a few clowns short of a circus.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer ...oh wait, he does.
I can't count how many times I failed maths at school.
What's "68"? You do me and I owe you one.
What is a blonde's favorite fairy tale? Humpme Dumpme!
Handsome, Sweet, Intelligent, spontaneous, good-looking, nice friends, charming, funny, well...Enough about ME! How about you?
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put "U" and "I" together.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
I don't have a Fitbit. But I have a couple of fat bits.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
Q: What did the Dorito say to the other Dorito. A: I can't tell you it was to cheesy.
Lawyers really aren't so bad, it's just ninety-nine percent of lawyers that make the rest look bad.