I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Occasionally, a true friend gives his paw not his hand...
Get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn-signal fluid."
Q: How does a blonde turn the lights on in the morning? A: She opens the car door.
Q: How do you drown a blonde? A: Put a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the bathtub.
Baseball is my favorite sport, because you can play it on a professional level with food in your mouth.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
Whenever I have a one night stand, I always use protection. A fake name and a fake number.
The more vital your research, the less people will understand it.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception
I just want to live in a world where people come with on/off switches.
STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.
An escalator can never break it can only become stairs.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
We need to look at how the world really works, not just accept the way we are told it works.
Have you heard about the new supersensitive condoms? They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman.
People say I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people.
I used to think love() was abstract, until you implemented it in MyHeart.