I always knew that I could never be a lawyer because of my inability to pass a bar.
I never loved you any more than I do, right this second. And I'll never love you any less than I do, right this second.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there's no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Age is important only if you're cheese and wine.
My mind is like a steel trap. Rusty and illegal in 37 states.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
I always give 110%. Oops. Left out the decimal point. I always give 1.10%.
I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.
Crime doesn't pay... does that mean that my job is a crime?
I like to hold hands at the movies... which always seems to startle strangers.
He slapped his two inches on the doctors desk. The doctor said "What is wrong with it?" "It's swollen."
Don't worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn't be lost much longer.
America where we celebrate Memorial Day with mattress sales.
Why does the Law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service!
Whats long and hard and has cum in it? A cucumber.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.
I'm not lazy... I'm just on my energy saving mode.
How are tornadoes and marriage alike? They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.