We can't help everyone, but everyone can help someone.
What tea do hockey players drink? Penaltea!
My IQ came back negative.
An average teenage boy nowadays has seen more naked women than all of their ancestors put together.
I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.
Just took a power nap on a park bench. Made $7.30 in change.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning... gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.
We must be subatomic particles, because I feel strong force between us.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Everything you do you're gonna regret. But if you do nothing you will not only regret but will also suffer.
Did you know that your body is made 70% of water? And now I'm thirsty.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.
The difference between true love and dinosaurs: We're sure that dinosaurs once existed on this earth.
My love for you is like dividing by zero - it cannot be defined.
If Mayans could predict the future, why didn't they predict their extinction?
Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Plan ahead - It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.