Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.
If anything is possible, is it possible for something to be impossible?
I'm the type of person who tries to fall back asleep in the morning, just to finish a dream.
A camel can work 10 days without drinking, I can drink 10 days without working.
Lazy People Fact #5812672793. You were too lazy to read that number.
Just because you have one doesn't mean you have to act like one.
If God is your co-pilot - swap seats.
Fishermen are reel men.
I'm not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, but I already have one.
26.8 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife's yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in? The dog, once he's in, he shuts up!
Nothing says' I love my dog' quite like spending more money on his haircut than you do your own.
The problem with trouble shooting is that trouble shoots back.
Why do blondes wear underwear? To keep their ankles warm.
Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
I like to show my girlfriend who's boss in our house by holding a mirror up to her face.
It's scary to think that people like you are graduating from college.
My wife and I had a two-hour fight about whether or not we were fighting.
I love every bone in your body, especially mine.
If you don't drink, smoke or do drugs you may live long enough to be a real burden to loved ones. Please pass the wine.