There are all types of love in this world but never the same love twice.
You're wrong! I touched second base. I missed third... but I touched second.
A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh alright, I'll stay the night."
Sorry, I'm out of my mind at the moment, please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as possible.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.
Your as worthless as, Tits on a boar hog.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
Glad I'm not a general, because auto-correct just changed "lunch order" to "launch order."
Multitasking: screwing up several things at once.
If mummies are from egypt, then where are daddies from?
A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually.
The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? "Cause you're fatter than they are."
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.